Inexplicable

Inexplicable: incapable of being explained, interpreted, or accounted for

Inexplicable, a word introduced into my regular vocabulary in college. It was used to describe me when other words wouldn’t fit. I’m sure they might have meant it as a joke but the word actually fits. I find a hard time trying to figure out myself. Why I do the things I do? What’s my motivation behind them? I’ve asked many questions and still have come few answers.

I’m a nice girl that wants to be mean. I’m a mean girl that tries to be nice. I can be girly and prissy but still can’t understand my own sex. I love makeup and video games. I love action movies and movies where Kleenex is definitely needed.

I’m not constant but love constancy. I have phases that start with me ferociously diving into the new thing and then within weeks or months I’m bored with it and on to the next. I’m a true Capricorn – loyal, dependable and reliable and I hate to disappoint. I expect others to be the same but I get disappointed frequently. I’m cynical only to keep myself from being hurt and disappointed. There’s a feeling that comes over me when I should fold a “good” hand in poker or I should just stay in for the night – usually I would have lost a lot of money chasing a losing hand or would have gotten upset about how the night turned out if I wouldn’t listen (I call it my female intuition). I love too hard and too fast and it’s hard for me to let go – of anything.  My sympathy for others can be so strong that it turns into empathy even though I haven’t experienced it myself. I can easily transport myself into others’ shoes and it’s a habit of mines which usually ends with me in tears. Yet it hard for me to forgive when I’ve been wrong and I try to tuck away those feelings to remain civil with that person until they are dug up later (only to be buried again).

This is just a little of what I’ve discovered about myself. With every new relationship and every new experience I continue to find the answer to the inexplicable even though many questions remain unanswered. I would love to believe there is an explanation for everything but I know that some things are just because . . .